5 THINGS NEVER HEARD IN CHURCH
1. Hey! It's my turn to sit in the front pew.

5. Pastor, we'd like to send you to this Bible seminar in the Bahamas.

I was listening to a lady who called a radio pastor. The pastor was a wise, grandfatherly gentleman who had that calm reassuring voice that can melt all fear.

The pastor asked her, "Tell me, do you carry one of those white canes?" "Yes I do," she replied. "Then the next time someone says that hit them over the head with the cane," he said. "Then tell them 'If you had more faith that wouldn't hurt' "!

Driving Permit

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took him to his study and said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your Scriptures a little and get your hair cut and we'll talk about it."

After about a month the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss use of the car. They again went to the father's study where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your Scriptures diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut!"

The young man waited and minute and replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know, Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, why even Jesus had long hair...."

To which his father replied...."Yes, and they WALKED every where they went!"

:-)  :-)  :-)  :-)  :-)  :-)  :-)  :-)

There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country. "Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk. "Only the Ten Commandments." answered the lady. 

A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses." When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."

There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."

While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign...
"Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust."

A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question, "Boys and girls, what do we know about God?
A hand shot up in the air. "He is an artist!" said the kindergarten boy.
"Really? How do you! know?" the teacher asked. "You know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven

A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him in front of the service station. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump. "Reverend," said the young man, "sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip." The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."

People want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the center of attention.

A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!" His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?" The son replied, "I do know!" "Okay, said his father. "So, son, what does the Bible mean?" "That's easy, Daddy. It stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.'"

Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about.  The daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt." Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed.  Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about. He said "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming."

The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to, ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play. "Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances." During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up." At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star Spangled Banner." And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!

HYMNS FOR ALL THINGS

The Dentist's Hymn:................Crown Him with many Crowns 
The Weatherman's Hymn.......There Shall Be Showers of  Blessings 
The Contractor's Hymn:...........The Church's One Foundation 
The Tailor's Hymn:...................Holy, Holy, Holy 
The Golfer's Hymn:..................There's a Green Hill Far Away 
The Politician's Hymn:..............Standing on the Promises 
The Optometrist's Hymn:.........Open My Eyes That I Might  See 
The IRS Agent's Hymn:.............I Surrender All 
The Gossip's Hymn:..................Pass It On 
The Electrician's Hymn:............Send The Light 
The Shopper's Hymn:................Sweet By and By 
The Realtor's Hymn:...................I've Got a Mansion,  Just Over the Hilltop 
The Massage Therapists Hymn…….He Touched Me 
The Doctor's Hymn:......................The Great Physician 

And for those who speed on the highway - a few hymns: 

45mph....................God Will Take Care of You
55mph....................Guide Me, O Thou Great Jehovah 
65mph....................Nearer My God To Thee 
75mph....................Nearer Still Nearer 
85mph....................This World Is Not My Home 
95mph....................Lord, I'm Coming Home 
Over 100mph........ Precious Memories 

??? Fact or Fiction from the1500's ???

Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May, and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.

Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children Last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it.
Hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water."

Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and off the roof.
Hence the saying "It's raining cats and dogs."

There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed.
Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence.

 The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence the saying "dirt poor." The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet , so they spread thresh (straw) on floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they adding more thresh until when you opened the door it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entranceway.
Hence the saying a "thresh hold."

In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while.
Hence the rhyme, "Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old."

Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could "bring home the bacon." They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and "chew the fat."

Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.

Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or "upper crust."

Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up.
Hence the custom of holding a "wake."

England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a "bone-house" and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the "graveyard shift") to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be "saved by the bell" or was considered a "dead ringer."

Dear God, I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made on Tuesday. That was Cool.~ Eugene